With the release of her newest volume, Marsha Stewart's Elegant Whitewater, the Round Top Register sent veteran canoeist and freelance writer John McGinty to interview Ms. Stewart at her charming summerhouse in the Adirondacks.

by John McGinty

In her discourse on paddling, Marsha reveals how even the most artless and unsophisticated river runner can develop and cultivate the rudiments of true fashion and begin to affect an elegant lifestyle.

"Frankly, I see this as a challenge of epic proportions. By serving as a model for the artless and unsophisticated fanciers of canoesport, I am enhancing not only their lives but also the lives of the more fortunate people who actually own homes along the river and are constantly confronted by the poor color choices that river runners so often exhibit."

According to Marsha, the most important component of beautiful canoeing is creating a beautiful canoe. "I built my first canoe from stiff parchment paper and gold foil which I spray painted a rich verdant sub-ostentatious shade of green and tastefully accented with decoupage flowers cut from old wrapping paper." Depending on her mood, Marsha may bedeck her craft with hanging swags of brightly colored fabrics or suspend small pots of herbs on the gunwales.

"Another favorite of mine is to adorn my craft with plaster-cast angels and gremlins. Of course, for romantic on-the-river liaisons, nothing beats a canoe filled with dried rose petals."

Marsha's exquisite canoe would not be complete without windchimes made of old coconut shells along with her ever-present plastic icon of Saint Walt in his prominent and dominant position at the bow.

Marsha's most recent canoe construction is a large tripper-style craft with the hull liberally smeared with yogurt. Over time, according to Marsha, a natural-looking greenish mold will grow, giving the canoe the fashionably distressed look of an ancient Greek temple.

Marsha doesn't compromise when it comes to gear. "My favorite paddle is fashioned from a vintage Hunter ceiling fan blade and the femur of a former Kentucky Derby winner. I polish it daily with a white linen cloth and store it in an original macramé paddle cozy I made of hemp and reclaimed plastic and festooned with gold ribbon...When I'm facing a big standing wave, I just don't feel confident without it."

If a canoe receives a disabling scratch or dent, Marsha promptly recycles it into a festive garden path planter box or compost bin.

Though she enjoys a leisurely afternoon outing in one of her beautiful canoes, Marsha's primary passion is canoe camping on a wild whitewater river.

"Nothing is more invigorating than being alone, out in nature, with only your wits and a formidable sense of style between you and sudden death. It's scouting a big hole in a Class V rapid to determine which run will present your best profile. It's the graceful little flutter you give your paddle, emulating a dainty butterfly, as you scream over a ten foot waterfall...these are the simple niceties that make it all worthwhile."

For those who wish to follow her footsteps on a stylish wilderness trek, Marsha recommends that your PFDs be tie-dyed using dyes extracted from vegetables grown in your own garden.

Her paddling attire is a body-covering creation woven from old neckties worn over a neoprene wetsuit (winter) or a flesh-colored silk leotards (summer). This is topped off with Marsha's trademark white straw Fedora with white satin ribbons and robin's eggs affixed with a hot glue gun.

Marsha is sure not to leave her sense of elegance in the boat. The campsite is a canvas for Marsha's refined artistry. "My tent is hand crafted by an artisan I located in a New England village and resembles a small version of the Taj Mahal done in lavender and mauve. Using bottle caps, I have crafted a welcome mat for the tent which features portly cherubs enjoying snow cones made from real snow."

"The interior is decorated with fresh-cut flowers and peacock feathers which I liberated from my handy neighborhood zoo. After all, the birds can grow more."

As a centerpiece for the dining table, Marsha had a dead bonsai tree bronzed and then pushed gumdrops of assorted colors onto the ends of the limbs. The table itself is fashioned from an old barn door from the Revolutionary War period.

"Portaging all these accouterments is a bit trying, but what price is too great for a life filled with beauty?" Marsha's sleeping bag is made from the pelts of lambs tastefully frosted with a solution of seven parts of Clairol honey blonde and two parts of essence of strawberry. The bag is lined with soft Battenberg lace from an old table cloth and a coordinating pillow is made from the same fabric.

After a hard day on the river, Marsha relaxes outside her tent by fashioning cookie cutters from tree bark, penning warning messages in gold ink on poison ivy leaves, pruning shrubs to resemble giant chess pieces, and braiding grass into attractive patterns. "I frequently climb trees looking for abandoned bird's nests in which I can serve a dinner salad."

Marsha's river cuisine is simple but elegant gastronomic fare. The salad is primarily nasturtiums and pansies garnished with acorns and wild onions. An assortment of cheeses are served on an extra-large Frisbee. Each wedge of cheese has a toothpick and a little flag which clearly identifies the cheese's country of origin. Fresh caviar is obtained directly from fish netted with lace from an old 1950's petticoat and extracted with soda straws in a process you'd rather not know.

"Sometimes an elegant lifestyle requires sacrifice..." says Marsha.

She prepares homemade wine which completed fermentation en canu and is served in goblets carved from small tree stumps. Freshly harvested mussel shells hold shots of after dinner aperitifs.

Responding to bodily necessities in the wild can be an unpleasant task but Marsha makes the process more bearable by using homemade toilet paper fabricated from flower petals and floating small perfumed candles in the composting latrine.

After dinner on the river, Marsha retires for the evening to the 35-foot executive-model Winnebago which one of her assistants drove through the briars and brambles to riverside so that Marsha would not have to rumple her perfectly made sleeping bag.

"After all," say Marsha "one needn't be obsessive about one's outdoor activities."

John McGinty is a member of the San Antonio, Texas canoeing club, the Alamo City Rivermen. In addition to being an avid canoeist and writer, he is plagued by poor color-coordination in his choices of paddling gear. An earlier version of this piece first appeared in that group's somewhat subversive newsletter.

You may follow more of his exploits in the Texasfun travel section of the Register's Internet site at http://www.texasfun.com/txfcanoe.htm.