by Chef Herve Raconteur
Round Top Register Food Critic

Round Top - Ah, my special children. How I have pined for this day, the glorious morn when I, the unparalleled Raconteur, would finally be able to share with you the fruits of my culinary greatness!

These ineffable secrets which I will soon uncover for your everlasting benefit have been handed down by the great chefs of my family since my ancestor, the great Napoleon Raconteur first discovered this secret regimen in the court of Louis the Fourteenth. Now you lucky peasants will also be able to feast like kings and queens thanks to my unequaled generosity!

First, you must understand, the Diet Plan of the Stars is not a mere eating plan. It is not some temporary fad that holds a false promise.

No, Herve's Diet Plan of the Stars is a lifestyle, a recovering of your vital forces, an opportunity to become truly free!

But such a reward requires a sacrifice. You must throw your old ideas on the grill and watch those provincial juices drip onto the steaming coals of enlightenment producing a splattering of innovative thought. You must give up the imprisoning chains of this thin and ill-nourished culture and resurrect yourself like a medium- rare phoenix from the flames of mediocrity and fly into the heavy aromas of a new life.

For I must tell you that the Diet Plan of the Stars can only be revealed to those who are properly reverent, to the serious connoisseur of good living, the committed bon vivant who is willing to cast aside the shackles of public opinion and truly live!

If you are therefore of proper metal, you may proceed. Herve will now share with you the greatest culinary diet plan ever conceived...

There you have it! How simple. How exquisite. Do you not feel freed of your mortal bonds?

Perhaps you have not quite peeled back the rind of your previous life, freeing the fruit within, and made the necessary transition into enlightenment.

Never fear, Herve is patient. Never let it be said that the Raconteur rushed in the preparation of a dish.

In order to understand the true genius of the Diet Plan of the Stars, you must first change your conception of beauty. You must realize that you have been molded by the propaganda of the unnaturally thin and have accepted a false standard of aesthetics.

Consider the gaunt examples of "beauty" in the fashion magazines. Do these poor waifs truly strike you as beautiful? Does their sad, emaciated lack of nourishment arouse you to passion or do you subconsciously feel the need to send a donation to C.A.R.E.?

That which is unattractive in a starving Biafran child cannot be made beautiful with garish makeup. Yet you were fooled into thinking that these poor women, who fashion industry moguls force into malnutrition, are the epitome of beauty! Such is the depth of the conspiracy.

It has not always been such. Look at Reubens. Look at Rabelais. Exult in the glorious abundance of the women in these paintings. View Vermeer, a grand Dutchman and a champion of true beauty. His women are full dimensioned, opulent and demonstrative in their plenty.

This is true beauty and you may have it without the slightest inconvenience. If you follow the Diet Plan of the Stars, you are assured of attaining this beauteous stature without effort.

Next, consider food. Are we cattle to live our lives bowed and chewing mindlessly at ruffage? Are we mice to nibble on the leavings of others.

No! We are men and women! We rule the planet. We are ordered by our creator into dominion over all things. Thus we may cook them and eat them as we please. There is no sin in this. Yet, many will tell you that some of the finest cuisine is not good for you. They claim that even culinary masterpieces will cause you grave harm. Deny the harbingers of ill-omens who make this claim. Such charges are balderdash! Why were we given taste buds if not to use them? Free yourself from the nattering cult of gastronomical moderation. Stand tall against the four false horsemen of the apocalypse, cholesterol, saturated fat, sodium and alcohol.

After all, if God had not meant for us to eat butter, he would not have invented croissants. Who among us really believes that a marvelously prepared chicken-fried steak could ever truly be a health hazard? What sort of vicious miscreant would tell you that Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla is anything but a healing elixir?

Now you are beginning to see how the Diet Plan of the Stars will make of your life a heaven on earth. It is so easy, so natural. You were given appetites. Indulge them. Have what you desire.

Next, consider the myth of moderation. We are told to be moderate in all things. Ha! Only those who already have what they desire give such advice. Do we not seek wealth? Do we not seek power? Do we not seek abundant passion? Such strong drives turn the wheel of life. Why should our values for consumption be any different.

You know you want to eat. Go ahead. Consume all you want. You've been holding back so long, so terribly long. Let it all out. Eat! Eat as you were meant to, with gusto and abandon! Let yourself go.

There, you feel much better don't you. Now, you must learn the next lesson. It is of critical importance. You are very full now. Are you not. Your belly is comfortably overstuffed like an old easy chair. Now, when you are happiest, there is an insidious, rasping sound, clutching at your satisfaction like the voice of Lucifer. What is it?

Guilt! Yes, the demon guilt... and you must exorcize it.

Out! Out! Damned guilt! Back to the pit from whence you came. There is no place for guilt in the Diet Plan of the Stars.

Now, listen to Herve, while the demon is away, indulge your soul with a nice dessert. In the Diet Plan of the Stars, a rich dessert is the greatest weapon against the dark powers of guilt. Remember this and use it as you require.

As you can see, I, the Racontuer, offer you paradise. Never again will you be forced into meaningless fasting each New Year...no more the metallic tasting diet drinks and their fraudulent claims.... no more the cheese that tastes like Styrofoam and the hundreds of other overpriced excuses for sustenance that a person of stature and gravity has been coerced into eating by this skeletal society.

You can now throw off the chains of useless exercise. Stop running around like a frantic rodent on a treadmill, going nowhere except into oblivion. Now, you may abandon the sweat-scented hell of the unnecessarily fit.

Herve has shown you the grandeur of your natural proportions. Your suffering is ended. You are liberated. And now my free and lovely children, the Raconteur salutes you...

Bon appetit!