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EDITOR'S NOTE - While in the wilderness of Minnesota, I happened across a large, hairy fellow who claimed to be a sasquatch. Seizing the opportunity for another exclusive interview, I invited him into our cabin. It seemed a chance to further advance the Register's standing over that of the New York Times, which continues to yap at our heels. To many observers, it may seem excessive to seek journalistic status for the Round Top Register. After all, we are already at the top. We have repeatedly scooped the entire nation on a number of important stories. We are the publishers with the only interview with the real Santa Claus. Our last issue was distributed with an IMPEACHED headline boldly plastered across the front page more than two weeks before "me too," newspapers like the Times followed suit. It may seem insensitive to continue our print war with the Times given our repeated successes. However, in this business, fame is fleeting. Readers can be fickle. A newspaper can be on top of the world one day, and reduced to hiring derelicts to stuff issues into screen doors the next. We must take our exclusives where we find them. 
He was very large and covered with coarse, dark-brown hair. I am more than six feet, four inches in height and he towered over me. My guess is that, when he stood straight up, he was more than seven ½ feet tall. However, he rarely stood fully erect but stooped forward, his long arms and fingers sometimes brushing the ground. He had a crest on the back of his head that angled forward and a sloping forehead. Considering these facts, at first glance, one could easily have been mistaken him for a large ape. However, as he approached, I noticed that his facial features, though coarse, were distinctly human. The skin beneath his coat was somewhat flesh colored and unlike an ape, his facial hair had grown into the appearance of a full beard.I was standing on the porch of the cabin we had rented at a lodge in the backwoods of northern Minnesota. I was trying to get a picture of an evening grosbeak on our bird feeder when I noticed something dark moving through the woods in the distance. I was able to snap several photographs before the figure noticed me. He then stopped, hesitated for a moment, then rambled toward me at a brisk lope. My heart went into my throat. I tried to turn around and re-enter the cabin but, in my panic, slipped on the ice of the front porch and landed on my backside in the snow. The next thing I knew, the huge, hairy figure was looming over me. I was terrified. His fetid breath was hot on my face and he smelled like a wild animal. His mouth opened, showing blunt, yellowing teeth and I began to say my prayers. He reached down, picked up my camera and let out an exhalation of foul-smelling air. "Huh!" he said. "Is this one of those new Advantix cameras? Don't they shoot three different sizes of exposure?" I could not have been more surprised if one of the finches at the bird feeder had asked me for the time. "You talk!" I choked through my frightened grimace. His brows raised expressively and he rolled his soft brown eyes. "Duh" he replied. "You catch on quick for a human." He handed the camera back to me and sat down on the edge of the porch. His legs were so long they splayed out in front of him. "You're the editor of that Round Top paper, aren't you?" I was surprised and pleased that he knew about my publication. I sat up on the porch, brushed off the cloying snow, and asked him how he had heard of the Register. "That's not important. Let's just say that your newspaper has a favorable reputation with folks who have been accused of being fictional." He spun around and looked intently into my eyes. Tears welled up in his eyes. "I can't take it any more. I've just got to talk to somebody. You have no idea how hard it is being a Sasquatch . . . the hiding . . . the pretense . . . living in human society trying to be something you are not. My friends all tell me to keep my mouth shut but I can't live a lie any longer. I've decided to come out." His massive head dropped to his chest. "I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not but I don't care anymore. If I can't be accepted for what I am . . . then life is not worth living." It was a poignant admission. Coming from a being who must have weighed near four hundred pounds, it was a bit macabre. I could see he was troubled. "Come on in the house," I said. "I'll get my tape recorder and we'll get your side of the situation." He sighed, raised his lumbering frame and followed me into the cabin. I offered him some coffee which he declined. He asked if I had any fruit juice. I poured him a big glass of orange juice, which he quickly downed. He then dropped onto the couch which immediately began to creak. Suddenly, with a spray of splinters, the chaise collapsed to the floor. "God!" he groaned. "See what I mean. I just don't belong in this world." He laid his head in his hands and began to cry. I got him another glass of OJ and patted him on his hairy shoulder, which seemed to cheer him up. "Look, sorry about the couch. My wallet is out in my truck. I'll cover the damage." "You have a truck?" First he could talk and now he was driving. "But, I thought you were Bigfoot?" "...and I thought you could control your provincial racial slurs," he countered while sniffing back tears. "Look, among the Sasquatch, ‘Bigfoot' is considered an insulting species-based label. We don't call you humans ‘Bigmouths,' even though the name clearly applies." I apologized and he settled down a bit. "It would be easier if you just assumed that anything you have ever heard about the Sasquatch is inaccurate" he claimed. "We have purposely hidden ourselves from you for more than fifty thousand years so it's no surprise you know nothing of our real condition." For the next hour and a half, I questioned him. That interview is transcribed below. Register - So, are you the “real” Sasquatch, the one that everyone refers to, however inappropriately, as “Bigfoot?” Sasquatch – There is no single Sasquatch. We are a race of people, a species only slightly different from your own. There are tens of thousands of us all over the planet. Register - But that's impossible. How could you have hidden yourselves all this time? Sasquatch - We don't hide most of the time. We shave. Register - You shave? Sasquatch - Yes, we shave our bodies. That is just one of the indignities we must suffer to survive on this planet with you humans. Register - You live among us? Sasquatch - On every continent, in almost every city, in all walks of life. Register - How can that be? People would notice. There is no way beings as large as yourself could hide themselves. Sasquatch - Are all humans the same size? No. Neither are the Sasquatch. Sure, we tend to be bigger than the average human but over the years we have convinced humans that they grow larger than they really do. Besides, we have interbred with your kind and now some humans really do grow large. Register - Interbred! You mean Sasquatch and humans can...I mean...have children? Sasquatch - Sure. It's kind of like dogs and wolves. Different breeds, almost different species but essentially identical DNA. See, it's like this. You ever heard of the Titans, you know, from Greek and Roman mythology? Register - Uh, yeah...sure, a race of giants who lived on the earth before human beings. Sasquatch - Well, that was us. You see, we are derived from what your scientists now call Neanderthal man. Or course, the Neanderthals were not men at all but Sasquatch. Humans are from a smaller, less intelligent but infinitely more aggressive breed that your anthropologists now call australopithicenes. Most of your cultures talk about races of giants that lived on the earth before humans became dominant. That's just your race memory talking. Register - If this is true, how could you have hidden it all this time? Sasquatch - I don't mean to be rude, but humans are not all that swift. It's no big deal to fool them. They'll believe anything about beings different from themselves no matter how much it flies in the face of reality, especially if it feeds their egos. They never have wanted to face the fact that some animals might be their equals or even their superiors. Register - Why do you have to hide at all? Sasquatch - The reason we hide is obvious. Humans are dangerous. They may not be very intelligent but they are violent as hell and crazy to boot. We had to do something. You see, we Sasquatch are a peaceful race. We don't mind a little friendly competition but most of us are incapable of any serious mayhem. Our hearts are too tender. Why in my case, I can't even stand to step on a bug. Way back when, you crazy little monkeys started moving into our territories in packs. At first, we tamed you and kept you around as pets but before long, you were biting the hands that fed you. The Sasquatch back in those times came up with the idea that we would fool you into thinking we were the same as you. They just didn't have the heart to kill you off even though the planet would have been a better place if they had. Register - Ooooh, that's kind of a harsh statement. What's so bad about the human race.? Sasquatch - Sorry, that was uncharitable. It's just that humans can be really frustrating. Your ego's are enormous. You have this idea that you are better than the rest of the animals and you use that point of view to justify a lot of really rotten behavior. Register - Well, it's true that we see ourselves as the dominant species on the planet. After all, we are the only rational... uh...uh...well, God told Adam that man was...uh...uh... everybody knows humans are the highest form of...uh...uh...I see what you mean. Sasquatch - Trust me, I'm used to it and so is the rest of the animal kingdom. We keep hoping you will wise up but so far, no good. The problem is that things are coming to a head on this planet. You guys are messing things up in a pretty serious way. You're heading over the cliff like mindless lemmings and many Sasquatch are becoming afraid that our kind will be caught up in your apocalypse. Myself, I'm tired of shaving. It itches something fierce. Register - But...uh...I don't mean to be offensive, but you are covered with hair. You don't look anything like a human. This whole thing sounds fishy. Sasquatch - Hey, I'm on vacation all right. If you had to shave your whole body twice a day you would understand how great it feels to let your hair go natural. Lots of Sasquatch get hairy while they're on vacation. It's kind of a tradition amongst our kind to wander the wilderness for a few weeks a year...helps us stay in touch with the natural world. But, don't let my fur fool you. I own a sporting goods business in Akron. I drive a Suburban. I played defensive end for Ohio State. I have a MasterCard, a wife and two kids. Register - God! This is unbelievable. Why, if what you say is true, anyone could be a Sasquatch...my best friends...my attorney...Jesse Ventura! Sasquatch - Well, I made an agreement not to expose any living Sasquatch. So I can't comment on that. But, I can give you a few names of Sasquatch who have passed away. Would that help you believe? Register - Maybe. Sasquatch - You remember Dan Blocker? Register - Hoss! Omigod! Hoss Cartwright was a Bigfoot? Sasquatch - I told you we don't use that term. Yes, Dan was one of us, and John Wayne... Register - Not the Duke! No! It can't be. Sasquatch - Sure, he was a great Sasquatch satirist. His whole act was a take off on a ridiculously provincial and ignorant human. He meant it as a joke. We got a huge kick out of it when you guys took him seriously. (laughter) What a bunch of chumps. Oh my God, that walk...and that "pilgrim" thing (more hilarity). Register - Ohhhh this is too much. Sasquatch - Lots of famous sports figures are Sasquatch. There are quite a few playing ball in the NBA and the NFL. I mean, once you think about it, it becomes obvious. Do most of the great big men and women who play sports really look human to you? Have you ever noticed that they can do things that you could not dream of doing? Do you really think it's because they work out a lot? Come on! Sasquatch are not just visible in sporting activities. At many difficult times in your history, we have had to assume command. Many of your great leaders came from our ranks. There was Abe Lincoln and George Washing... Register – Hey! Now this has gone to far. You are trying to tell me that our greatest president and the father of our country were both Sasquatch? That's ridiculous! Sasquatch - Well, Washington was only half-Sasquatch but Lincoln was the real thing. Think about it...oversized men and women, smarter than those around them, trying to make peace. Sometimes it's not a matter of physical stature. You humans even coin phrases to describe the superiority of such people. "Bigger than life" you say, or "inhumanly strong," or "head and shoulders above the rest." You say people like this leave "big footsteps." You admire them. It doesn't take an Einstein to get the picture. Oh yeah, Einstein too, a runt, but Sasquatch none the less. Register - This is really hard to believe. Even if it is true, why let the secret out now? If humans find out you are fooling them, won't they be angry? Aren't you afraid of reprisals? Sasquatch - Scared to death. Humans are seriously xenophobic. Anything that is different from the norm, they try to kill. A little different size, different color, different fur, different language or different beliefs and suddenly you're the "other," the alien, the stranger, the outsider, the foreigner, and before long, that becomes misfit, freak, pervert, outcast and monstrosity. The next step is "enemy" and then, with humans, its time to kill everything in sight. Mankind always been that way. If it's different, squash it like a bug. See, "like a bug," as though bugs don't have as much right to life as humans. If most Sasquatch knew I was talking to you about this they would be terrified. I'm doing this on my own. Someone has to come forward and speak for the rest of the animal kingdom before it is too late. Besides, I just can't live a lie anymore. I have to be me...even if it kills me. Register - You say humans are arrogant. What do you mean my that? Sasquatch - Whew...that’s such a big subject, I don't know where to start. First, there's this self-promoting fiction that you are superior to the rest of the animals. You know, smarter, more clever, the "thinking" animal, the opposable thumbs theory, top of the food chain... all that garbage... Register - Well that's true. We do dominate the planet. Sasquatch - Hey; being the best at killing is not the same as being the best. Sure, amongst the larger animals you're dominant now. Most of us are afraid of you, but plenty of species were around long before you showed up and will still be in business long after you have blown yourselves to kingdom come. They aren't afraid of you at all. Take insects. All Sasquatch know that insects actually dominate the planet. They're more numerous, more adaptable, superior in every way to humans. Consider micro-organisms. They were the first ones on the planet and really, they're still in charge. You guys are just a blip on the screen in the big scheme of things. Yet, you think you are the font of creation...masters of the universe, lords of all...God! It's such a joke. Register - You sound like you don't like us very much. Sasquatch - Look, monkey boy, we've been cleaning up your messes for thousands of years and there's not a one of us that is not sick of it. I swear, sometimes being Sasquatch is like having a job at a sewage plant...cleaning, cleaning. cleaning all the time, shlepin' your garbage. It gets old! Do I look like I should be your maid? I don't remember applying for that position. You are just lucky Sasquatch are soft-hearted. The truth is that we like humans. We live with humans every day. We're are used to your crazy ways. Most of the time, we love you guys...but you just can't seem to understand the most basic rules of living on the planet. If you put something into the system, it's gonna come out somewhere else. Everything has a place and a purpose. The rest of the animals try to respect these facts. Most of us try to work within that balance. But, not you humans. You blast everything out of your way. You push it around with bulldozers, dam it up, mold it into theme parks and malls. You pave it, cover it with concrete and drive on it. You have half the real estate on the planet under construction, the air full of poison and the ocean a sewer. You never ask the rest of us how we feel about it. Have you ever thought about polling dogs, cats, armadillos, racoons and squirrels about their opinions on your transportation system? No. They're just road kill. They don't get a vote. Ask salmon about hydro-electric dams. You’ll get an earfull.There are a few thousand species in the rain forests that would like to have a vote on de-forestation. Register - Hey, that's just progress.. Technology makes life easier. Why shouldn't we have some conveniences? Sasquatch - I've got no problem with technology. Technology may help us out of this mess. The problem is that you can't get your priorities right. It's like my hairy old grandma used to say, "...you don't go to the bathroom where you eat." We just have this one little planet. If you mess it up, where are we all supposed to go? Register - It can't be all that bad. Sasquatch - Tell that to the Dodo and the passenger pigeon. The rest of the animals know things are coming to a head. You humans are the only ones that can't seem to get the message. It's like you think you are the only ones on the planet. It's like you don't care if you live or die. Register - I guess we humans do have a few problems to work out. Sasquatch - Look, every species on the planet has it's quirks. Ravens and packrats take things that don't belong to them. Skunks have anti-social body odor. Lots of species eat their young. Nobody's perfect, but we have to talk about these issues, get them out in the open, see if we can work them out. Register - Gosh, I really feel bad. I guess we've been pretty selfish. Sasquatch - Hey, it's okay. Everybody's got the blues. Life's hard brother. That's why we all need a helpin' hand. Lord have mercy! Register - You know, I've been thinking. I'm a lot larger than most people. Sasquatch - Yeah, you're pretty big for a human. Need to do something about those abs though, whew, and look at that gut. Man, you could use some exercise. Register - I was wondering. I used to have this uncle, a great-uncle named Walter, who had a lot of hair... Sasquatch - Happens all the time. Sasquatch are so loving... Register - I have really large feet. Hmmm, Sasquatch. That would explain a lot of things. Sasquatch - Yeah, could be. I had a cousin that looked a little like you. Register - That would make my kids... Sasquatch - Sasquatchlings... Register - Whew! Sasquatch - Yeah, think about it. Think about it a lot...cause I'm through shaving. Humanity is just going to have to take what it gets from this old Sasquatch from now on. I'm going back to Akron the real me. I'm through hiding and playing like something I'm not... God! Who am I kidding? My wife will divorce me. My customers will freak. If I don't shave, I'll end up a trophy over some rich human's mantle. Register - You know...I really don't like to kill bugs...that crunching sound...ugh. Sasquatch - Sheeee, I can't believe I've got to go back to shavin' on Monday. The itch is always the worst after the first shave. Oh! I'm gonna be so miserable. If I didn't have that big Nike promotion coming up at the store, I'd blow it off for another week. Register - Me...a Sasquatch... Sasquatch- I wish those depilatories didn't leave my skin so rough. Register - Whew! |
